by Danny Ashton Earll

Babies are such a blessing — but can we get away from our first question being, “is it a boy or a girl”?

Babies — such a blessing; they are adorable, sweet, bundles of joy, and I am proud to say that my life has recently been filled with the births of new relatives. Babies are our own little miracles and generally it is a happy occasion when friends and family announce, we’re pregnant! There is a round of congratulations and the next question always seems to be, do you want a boy or a girl? Names get thrown out and ideas about the baby room. The baby shower is planned by friends and the question of the baby’s gender is constantly debated until that ultrasound shows it all. Or if you’re like me, you’d wait till the baby was born; but either way, the riddle of gender plays through the minds of parents, friends, and family. It seems that no matter what the conversation about the baby, gender rules the show. Everything that is picked out for the baby’s room, their toys, and outfits, are all based on one little thing- does the baby have a penis or a vagina?

Growing up I never questioned this ritual. I am the oldest of ten grandkids, so I was very much used to the excitement of a new baby arriving. The questions were normal and regardless of the gender of the baby, everyone was so excited and the room filled with love. Talk about the future began and of course, everyone’s future seemed the same. It was the typical Mormon American Dream and changed only based on the gender of the baby. It wasn’t until I started transitioning that I wondered how we, as a society, became so obsessed with gender. There are cultures all over the world that accept a third gender but not Americans. We are so obsessed with perfection that we forget not everyone has the same dream.

My gender growing up dictated what I was and was not allowed to do. I was given Barbie dolls and clothes with pink and frills; princess hair clips and cute little nail polish kits; and I hated it. I wanted skate boards, snow boards, GI Joe action figures, baggy jeans, hoodies, short hair, cds, a motorcycle… ya know, cool stuff. I loved camping and going hunting with my dad; I loved snowmachining and chopping firewood; I loved building things and getting dirty and not worrying about things that my other girl friends thought about. I hated wearing dresses to church and envied every guy that got to wear a suit and tie. I really started going stir crazy when dancing and dating age arrived. I was forced to wear formal dresses and do my hair, makeup, and nails for homecomings and proms and always had to wear a dress to church dances. Dancing with guys felt like the most awkward thing in the world. The only way I can explain it was that I felt gay. I felt like a straight man dancing with another guy, and I couldn’t grasp that concept in my head. What the hell is wrong with me? I thought. This is the hottest guy in the ward; I should be thrilled. So why do I want to run home? I felt tortured and always out of place.

Once I came to realize what was going on and began transitioning, I started to feel more normal. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin and started having fun in life again. But transitioning came with its own set of difficulties and feeling out of place.

Being a guy has been great. I wouldn’t change my decision for anything. It literally saved my life. I haven’t changed my interests and what I like or how I do things much except that now I don’t fear showing my feminine side now and then. I don’t feel that I have to prove my masculinity which really helps me relax and just have fun. However, sometimes it’s the simple things that now riddle my mind. I would like to know what it is like to be normal and not have to worry about gender. What was life like for people who didn’t have to question their gender or gender expression? How would it feel to go on a normal date and not feel skittish when conversations about growing up come around? How would it feel to not have to come out all the time? People, who were born the correct gender the first time, really don’t know how lucky they are. I have days where I am beyond jealous of biological men; they just have no idea.

The biggest thing for me is the bathroom. Oh the joy to take a piss standing up and only taking seconds to do your business and then get out. I envy a man every time I see one at the urinal. They have no idea how blessed they are. And to go out in the woods and just take a piss when camping or hiking — it makes me sick with envy. I was never able to pee without a toilet of some sort. I never got the hang of squatting to pee. I always soaked my jeans (a very embarrassing thing for a teenager). So always, I have envied guys being able to whip it out and pee but now it’s even greater because I know what it is like to be a man now, only I still don’t know what it is like to stand and just go do my business at a urinal. I tried a STP (stand to pee) device once but that didn’t really work either. The plastic dug into my skin and made sitting extremely uncomfortable. I finally said fuck it; I’ll just sit like I have been the last 22 years.

Next is the locker room. While I feel more comfortable in the men’s room and changing in front of guys, I always wonder what it would be like to not have to hide certain appendages… or lack thereof. My binder isn’t all that uncomfortable, but I dream of the day when I no longer have to wear it. Changing at the gym has become normal for me, and I’ve never had a guy ask me anything or give me a second glance, unless he comes up asking for my number afterwards. No one suspects that beneath that tight tank top, which they probably think is under armor, are two women’s breasts. Praise God I had small tits to begin with.

I always have envied men being able to take their shirts off outside or in the gym and just show off their muscular chest. I think my attraction to men is just because I’m super jealous of their bodies, and I want to look like them. That’s what I tell myself anyways. But who knows, maybe the testosterone is making me a little bit of a gay boy — but that’s beside the point. Ahem, so men with their shirts off — so amazing. As a child I always threw my shirt off and defied my mother trying to put it back on. I got in trouble so many times I lost count. Now being a performer, I wish even more that I could rip off my shirt or at least have it unbuttoned. Well, I’d probably have to lose more weight then so really I guess it all evens out. But seriously, biological guys just take simple things for granted, like not having to wear a shirt, showering in the locker room, being able to go swimming (which I can’t do right now, and I hate it), and taking a piss at a urinal.

I won’t go into detail about everything that biological men and women take for granted but there are a lot of things. I’ve always hated being a woman, so I don’t really know what the benefits to being a woman really are, so apologies to my Trans sisters. I don’t know your side of the story. I think they just need to create a surgery so we can all just switch and be happy. You can have my breasts, and I’ll take your penis — the world would be such a happier place if we could do such a thing.

Unfortunately, society doesn’t change overnight, and it doesn’t listen to just one person. We have a long way to go if we are to change this society from being obsessed with gender to being loving and accepting of all sorts of gender identities and expressions. I don’t think I will ever fully identify as male, but I sure as hell don’t identify as female. We need to teach the world how to look at individuals as people and not as their gender. Get away from having the first question after a baby is born be is it a girl or a boy and get it to what is their name? Or are they healthy? Just something besides obsessing over their gender; most likely they won’t fit into your nice little box of male or female anyway.