by Rev. Johnathan Jones

The soldiers arrived at 6:30 am. Seeing two soldiers at your door when you have a family member on active duty typically means one thing. So as we sat there and were informed of her “self inflicted wound” we were not surprised. Shocked, but not surprised.

Last night, my foster sister, raised in Alaska, an active duty soldier and a very closeted lesbian shot herself.

Living in Alaska there are many of us who have been touched by suicide. As a pastor and youth worker within the LGBT community I am no stranger to suicide. The thing that strikes me though is this is only the second lesbian suicide I have had to face.

We don’t often hear of lesbians killing themselves. The media and our community have been very focused on the young gay teens who have taken their own lives due to homophobia and bullying. But what about our sisters? How many of our sisters have taken their own lives due to issues regarding their sexual identity?

My foster sister came out early in life, however, after a short period of time she went back in the closet, claiming she wasn’t lesbian at all. She later found a girlfriend, came out again, but when that ended, she went back in the closet. Hating herself for not being able to find a same-sex partner she determined she must be straight. After entering the military she married a man- that marriage lasted just weeks. Just recently, when she came home for recreation, she would meet her “friend”. Her “friend” was female and they spent almost every day together when she was home. Her internalized homophobia was so strong that she would not tell us the truth about the relationship- even though there are several members in our family who are openly gay and lesbian.

In trying to honor her I am asking myself: “what is it her short life can leave us”? We need to use this time to bring to light that it is not just young gay men who are taking their own lives: but also our lesbian sisters, and let me not forget our transgender brethren.

Suicide is a huge thing here in Alaska and the United States. While we have had great campaigns like “It Gets Better”, the truth is that for some of us it isn’t getting better, or simply saying “It Gets Better” isn’t reaching everyone. Maybe the reason is that we are just targeting young gay teens. Maybe we need to spread our nets further.

What I’m learning is that I need to be more aware of my lesbian, transgender and bisexual brethren who are just as vulnerable as our young gay men. I also need to remember that it is not just the young, but all ages. The first time I was touched by suicide, the man who killed himself was in his forties.

I don’t have any answers, just some thoughts that I need to share so that a life need not be totally wasted.

As a person of faith I believe she is in a better place, I just wish it didn’t take a gun for her to get there.