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I’ve got to put this down…

its 11:57 pm and i’m sweaty and tired. after emails and phone meetings and evening shopping at the market and necklace class and compound hunting and lots of other things, sleep should come easy. maybe it’s too much sweet tea or monitor glare.

today my progress was twice blocked by an anti-homosexual march. i was driving down main street and noticed some mzungus (white people) on motorbikes carrying pastel-colored signs and honking horns and yelling. i was intrigued until i read the signs. the crowd driving and marching down the street got thicker until the whole road was blocked. by that time i was trying to make a right-hand turn across that side of main street. (yes, we drive on the left here) and was trapped watching as hundreds walked and drove carrying signs of the most hateful nature. i eventually made my right turn and did my commercial business and there they were again, blocking my path for a second time. i don’t often feel rageful, but sometimes i think indignation is appropriate.

today i hated americans. i hate right-wing religious zealots who think its ok to promote the government-sanctioned killing of people they don’t like in places where government-sanctioned killing turns into genocide. i hate people who incite an underfed, undereducated population into taking to the streets when angry mobs kill people who happen to cross their paths. i hate all people who just watched the hatred go by. i hate that this is another reason not to live in this place and trust these people. i hate that colonialist westerners continue to come here and leave their oppressive, self-loathing fear of everything behind. i hate that this country will be seen as ignorant and intolerant and will be ignored by NGOs who say they are only here to help. i hate the sanctimonious bullshit that comes out of black and white mouths. i hate that people i love don’t want to come here to visit me because they will have to hide who they are.

later in the day, i realized there are more things i hate. i hate that women i know have to have more children than they know they can take care of. i hate that they have to choose between getting their teeth fixed and feeding their children. i hate that they don’t know that soda causes cavities and that they don’t know what cavities are. i hate that their clothes are ripped and falling apart and pregnant women wear shirts they can’t button because they don’t have any other clothes. i hate that they aren’t hateful and are able laugh and smile and have a good time while they are experiencing these things. i hate when i see this and i feel small and stupid. i hate that i whine about paper cuts and sweatyness to people who have teeth pulled with no anesthesia and have never experienced indoor plumbing. i hate that they show me that i have the choice to be hateful.

it’s 12:16 am. a new day. maybe today i won’t be hateful. maybe i’ll look at what i have and what i have done and feel satisfied that the equation balances. maybe i’ll go use my indoor plumbing and accept the truth that it just takes more everything to keep me alive and functioning and i’m lucky because i’ve never had to suffer. maybe i’ll go to sleep and feel better because

Amber

Monday, February 15, 2010