by Jason Ingram

The “ex-gay” conference Love Won Out came to Alaska to promote “reparative” therapy. Jason describes their methods in his personal story. (See our gay-affirming vigil outside the conference: Our Kids Don’t Need Changing.)

Jason was a young adult Christian living in Alaska when his sexual attraction to men became too strong to ignore. He could not accept these desires as natural and instead sought help from several “recovery” programs and ministries. He is now “recovering from recovery,” and identifies as Christian and Gay. Here are excerpts from his story, focusing on his experiences in Pure Life Ministries and his time in Alaska. You can also read his full story.

Living in Alaska most of my adult life… [I] formed a music business and worked as a teacher as well as doing ministry work around Alaska. During some painful times in my life going into 2001, I began to explore my curiosity with certain kinds of men. I was so ashamed and confused…and for the next several years I sought help from many ministries. Although I did not admit I was gay, I had this daily obsession with big masculine looking and acting men….

After twelve months of being with a handful of men, I became so horrified with my life that I wanted to do something extreme. The only help I got was this recovery program that got more and more abusive. That’s when one of the men in the program suggested Pure Life Ministries, which has a six to twelve month live in program that many confused gay men go looking for answers to their “struggles”….

My only choice at this time was to either kill myself, or to leave Alaska and get into a live-in program. I remember one cold night running outside in such an emotional state of turmoil that I cried out to God to die. I asked why I was this way. The pain was unbearable, however I did not attempt suicide until I finished the live-in program at Pure Life Ministries. I had a feeling like I was going into a strict program, kind of like admitting myself to a jail. Little did I know what I would go through in the next year. But then again, I didn’t care just what I did because my personal life was so unbearable.

So I sold my business, which meant selling most of my musical instrument collection and many other prize possessions… When I got to PLM [Pure Life Ministries] March 5th of 2005, I was a complete mess. I graduated in October of 2005 a completeier mess (if there is such a word!)

One [PLM] method is what they call a “light session” which the purpose is to shed “light” on someone that is perhaps walking in darkness because of their issues, like how they treat others. The moderator of the session got all of the students (guys in the program) in the dimly lit chapel to sit in a circle then with one chair that was supposed to be “mercy” or something like that, sat a man that they were going to try and break. We were told to say like three things that we saw this person doing that we think is wrong and we were to all criticize this person. I guess they have had some guys break down after all of these accusations. Thank God I never sat in that seat. The time that I was forced to criticize this man (who was a year younger than me) he ended up treating others even worse and he destroyed property and would go into rages and things like that. I suppose that man needed something different then a light session. We were also told to turn people in who broke one of the dozens of rules, and not apply the principal in Matt 18 about a private rebuke. If someone made a mistake, or appeared to make some kind of mistake, it seemed to be an opportunity to break someone down by backbiting and slander.

In the counseling room is where you find a lot of things that you will not hear from the pulpit. Some of the tactics were quite destructive, and at the same time, when I had questions about how things were done, or what my counselor really believes, I was made sure that I did not challenge authority, or I simply would not get my questions answered. The worst counseling tactic was to tell a suicidal person that suicide is the “most selfish thing” that I could do. In a crisis, I personally believe that would be quite counter-productive (and “counter-productive” is indeed quite an understatement)….

One young gay man was told to change his voice and talk lower. I was told to associate with certain men who were known to be straight. I was told not to talk to men or women at the workplace, and was forced to work in warehouses and factories because office type work had too many “temptations”. We were told not to touch any other students, not even a handshake. If I had feelings for another student, I would have been severely dealt with like I saw other students punished. My counselor told me how he sharply rebukes any man for acting gay (“queening” for instance) and I grew more and more afraid of him and other staff. One time I was on the phone with my Mom and got to chapel on time so I thought. The spoken rule says to be there fifteen minutes early, and because of that I had to work a Saturday at the pastor’s chopping and stacking wood. These “special assignments” were often used as punishments for various reasons. One time I had to move heavy rocks in the cold mud and rain to another part of the ranch….

One time while I was in an emotional crisis toward the beginning of my stay there, I was commanded to get out of this man’s office and was called a “w-i-m-p wimp”. I was also falsely accused for something deceiving and selfish in front of the whole group of students and humiliated. During one nervous breakdown in my first few weeks in the program, one counselor told me that I was in the “wrong religion” and as I remember, that statement had to do with something with the way I was acting, and trying to get some kind of help. I was so afraid to seek help when I lost control emotionally, I just had to get alone, like one time I spent a few hours or so at the top of a stairway in the dark, paralyzed with fear and depression.

During and after I finished the program, I was given some advice that made my life an emotional and financial mess. Although grads and some students seem to be encouraged to be independent, there is a lot of subtle pressure on these folks to submit all of their life’s decisions to their counselor (accountability partner, boss, mentor, etc…) connected to the program….

While I was living in Anchorage, Michael Johnston’s hometown (Johnston is currently the director of donor relations for Pure Life Ministries and is one of the top six key speakers for the ministry), I was pretty familiar with his ministry and listened to his radio show in the mid-90’s. I was able to meet him on several occasions while involved with PLM but he seemed very closed and did not seem to want to talk. I also got some counseling from his ministry before it folded back around 2002.

This narrative of mine has only focused on two groups that I was involved with that did a lot more harm than good… I also tried to date women, and even took two expensive airline trips to the Southwest in order to peruse a potential marriage (so I thought). But even though there was much emotional, mental, financial and even harm to my relationships to my family members; I can say there were some good that came out of these things. The first thing is that I did undergo these experiences and am recovering (and yes as ironic as it seems, recovering from recovery) with this story that can prevent others from making the same mistakes as I did….

What was hidden from me was the fact that I can be gay and holy. I can have a committed Christ centered relationship with someone of the same gender. I can come boldly to the Father without guilt or shame of being gay. I can walk in God’s blessings and the Lord’s victory for our lives and receive the wonderful unconditional love that is for all people. I just wish that churches, recovery organizations and any other spiritual leaders confronted with this issue would make this option available for those who are kept in the dark about a life walking with God as a gay person….

Read Jason’s full story.

Photo: Jason Ingram at an ex-gay survivors event in Memphis, TN, February 2008. Courtesy Jason Ingram.